Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."

Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely away from location. Intended by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")

And a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, confident, let us have Yet another position where American Adult men can don robes and call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this essentially the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: provide Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is tender electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each and every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It can be that he really should stop employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested concerning the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."

Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head visible from Area, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… effectively, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It's not merely ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium where by guests may possibly ponder vague disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to generate of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They can Occur"

The Trump Tower Damascus advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"

The venture is now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, like:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:

A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are not able to wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down company."

A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."

Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."